2018

As the year winds down, it’s easy to get emotional thinking of all the things you didn’t accomplish. I mean I looked back at the blog post I wrote at the end of 2017 and I think I accomplished about 3 things out of 20. But I did a whole slew of other things that I think makes up for it all. A year is a long fucking time. There are so many things that can happen, I mean in this one year’s time I have watched my friend Rachel grow a human inside of her body. That is wild.

So I went through the pictures on my phone to get a timeline of what I did this year and here is what stuck out as major moments, if you will:

I taught myself 3 songs on my guitar in January and recorded myself singing and that was a big step for me! If you know me well, you know music has forever been a huge chunk of my life but I also am quick to decline an invitation to perform. So that was cool and I vowed to make 2018 my year of retraining myself on my guitar and mandolin. And after maybe those three songs, I picked up either instrument maybe 6 more times throughout the whole year. And that is okay.

I watched 3 of my close pals get hitched. I cried like a baby at some point through all 3.

I also coordinated 3 weddings. That was actually one of my year’s biggest highlights. I mean people trusted me, ME, weird, clumsy, rambunctious and loud ME, with one of their most important milestones and I do not take that lightly. Also, what a sweet moment it is, watching two lives become one intertwined jumble of love. What a sweet day full of joy, watching two families accept complete strangers as family themselves. Sometimes that can get sloppy or difficult or awkward but every single time by the close of the night, between dancing and cocktails, there are tears and hugs and lovely words passed of, “I am so glad my kid found your kid.'“ SWOOOOOONNNNN people.

I hopped on a plane west for the first time in my life and landed in California for a week. I hung out in San Fransisco with Jenny Hwa, ate the most delicious sushi of my entire life, saw water that was a kind of blue I had never seen before in my entire life. I went hiking, I saw my friend Emory and had boozy cocktails. Then I flew down to LA and stayed with my best friend Eli and boy LA is a good good place. i had brunch with my high school bestie Laura, explored WeHo and danced all night long. And then somehow ended up on the floor of Eli’s apartment on FaceTime with a good friend for literal hours.

I decided I was going to start running! It’s actually funny, my picture library goes like this: LA, LA, LA, LA, plane ride, cats, running video, running video, running video. I also very quickly decided I was going to stop running. I hate running.

I ended up in Austin for a random long weekend. I stayed with my friend Sydney and we spent all three nights out until closing time and then stayed awake for hours longer after that. I took 4 beers into an Uber, hidden in my purse because it felt like a really brilliant idea. Until I remembered those beers were opened and they were leaking into my lap and my pants were soaking wet. We went up to the roof of our friend’s apartment and drank the beers, talked about life until 4 AM, and then passed out. We went kayaking the next day on the Colorado River, drank more beers and shared sandwiches in the middle of the water. We danced our hearts out that night. Then had a huge cuddle puddle movie night the next and it was a fantastic time. Dang I love Austin. And dang do I love my Austin people.

I used to work for the city of Raleigh at my favorite venue in the city: the Red Hat Amphitheater. My old boss surprised me with VIP tickets to see my favorite band. Yes. I fulfilled a childhood dream and saw Paramore. Okay not necessarily a childhood dream since it’s been my ongoing fantasy for 12 years but it’s fine. Best show, best production, favorite venue, favorite artist. I danced and screamed and sang along and jumped and threw my fist in the air and felt emo af and I was here. For. IT.

My papa passed away. He was my biggest fan. He loved my music. He loved for me to sing to him. He loved plants. He loved seeing the world. He loved math. He loved coffee. He loved sitting on the porch and talking about life. He loved dessert. I don’t really have words still. I just am happy that I see his personality in myself. I think we had the same smile. My dad was adopted so there is no way that is possible but you know what? I don’t care.

My friend Laura took me to get my tarot cards read. It was a weird and wild and interesting and enlightening experience. It was very personal. It was very spot on. I got my cards read by a beautiful buzzed-headed woman who calls herself Widow. She looked me in my eyes and said, “I don’t know you, obviously, but you have an amazing spirit. You are inherently good, you are a badass powerhouse, and if you keep caring what people think about you, you will diminish your light. Your name means light I think. What’s your name?” I had literally chills all over my body for about 6 days. I have since had 5 strangers tell me the same thing about my name and my inner light. I don’t know what that means, what lesson this all holds, but I definitely can say it was a perception-altering experience.

I got in my car and drove west to a town passed Asheville and spent the weekend hiking and eating all the food with Heather and Brit. I needed a weekend away. I needed some space to deal with some heartbreak and loss and coming back into myself. Thank god for nature and for silence and for giggles and for bacon.

I got pretty good at photoshop. I only used it like 3-4 times, but each time was quality and it made me laugh for hours after I delivered the finished project to it’s recipient. Some loved it. I think most everyone else was very disturbed with why I was photoshopping myself into these pictures. I do a lot of things for a laugh. I’m okay with knowing that about myself.

I went back to California. Before this year, I had never stepped foot in that state and here we are with two trips in one year. I went to coordinate a wedding and watch my unicorn princess Amber get married. It was such a sweet weekend with Amber and kind of a shit show of a weekend for the rest of the time. I got to see my friend Bella. She is a special human who loves me and all of my insanity. She is also crazy and a Capricorn so we get each other and everyone thinks we’re in love and they are 100% correct.

Then I went back to Austin. Sensing a theme here? I think I found my favorite places to jet off to for fun mini-vacations. Austin round 2 was for Austin City Limits and a few job interviews. I was very convinced I wanted to move to Austin. Within 3 days I was very convinced I never wanted to live there. I had an amazing time at ACL and danced to Nelly and Sylvan Esso so I don’t know what else a girl could ask for.

For Halloween, I dressed up as Cardi B and the Jonathan Van Ness. I lived as my two idols. It was as extra as you could possibly imagine. It was more fun than you would maybe anticipate.

I went to mother effing Thailand. I met strangers who became close friends, I got a matching tattoo with a girl named Leah who I knew for 24 hours. I played with elephants. And I did a lot of other things that I cannot tell you. I might tell you if you ask.

I’ve eaten 98479348 tacos, cheeseburgers, beers, margaritas, sour patch kids, sweet teas and iced coffees. I’ve taken and participated in 982164902 photoshoots with my best friends. I have laughed and cried more this year than I think ever before. I have loved harder and lost more. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror differently. Partly because I started to believe things about myself that weren’t true and partly because I started to believe things about myself that actually were true all along. 

It’s been a weird year. It’s been hard and long and heavy. It has been exhilarating and beautiful and full of life-giving moments that I will talk about for the rest of my life. It’s a lot to digest, ending a year and opening a new one. Thanks for letting me explore myself and share my journey through words and emotions. You are worth it pal.

All my heckin love,

Candice